how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
