nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
