he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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