Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
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Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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