I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
