i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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