I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
