Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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