You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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