i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
