put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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