Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
