i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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