Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
