you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
