If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
