I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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