Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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