SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
