A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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