he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
