so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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