Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
