i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
