new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
