I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
