Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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