I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
