Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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