i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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