Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
