our cab driver is having phone sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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