Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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