im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
