Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
