yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
