I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
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Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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