She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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