oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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