I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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