i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
