I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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