like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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