I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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