I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
