so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
