After last night, I could never be a politician.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
