I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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