why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
