GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
