I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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