I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
