It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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