just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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