it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
