Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
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Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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