my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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