SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
